Chapter 11
Things between Bryan and me have pretty much stalled out.
I started pulling away on purpose. Every time he messaged me, I kept my replies polite and distant, never crossing any lines.%
Bryan’s not clueless–he definitely picked up on it.
I went out with someone new.
He’s young, kind of baby–faced, plays in a band.”
I asked him, “So why’d you want to meet up with me?“?
He was honest and straightforward, almost puppy–like: “I just wanted to meet people from different backgrounds, different ages, different walks of life.”
I really liked that answer. No pressure, no expectations.
We both knew it was just a one–off.
At the end, I paid for dinner.
He asked if we could exchange numbers. I turned him down.”
As I walked out of the restaurant, my phone rang–it was my mom.”
I hadn’t even said hello before she started in on me, full force.”
“So you’re really divorcing Dean?”
He’s a Northville local! Do you even realize how many years you’ve saved yourself by marrying someone from here, when you’re not even a local?“% He’s
“I swear, you’ve read too many books–your head’s all messed up…“?
Her voice was sharp, full of self–righteousness, almost like she was enjoying it. For a second, I felt weirdly detached, like I was a kid again.”
The last time she yelled at me like this, I must have been in elementary school.
I’d told her I wanted to keep the stray dog downstairs.
She locked me outside and said, “This house is only big enough for one. If the dog comes in, you’re out.”
When my dad got home, she couldn’t wait to complain to him, making everything sound even worse.
He told her she was overreacting, calmed her down, and let me back inside.
After that, as I grew up and kept accomplishing things, she never really found a reason to scold me again.”
I once read a book about East Asian families that said some mothers have internalized misogyny.
They love you, but can’t help trying to control you or hold you back–partly because the husband isn’t really there for them.
So as daughters, we end up taking on some of that emotional labor that should have been their partner’s.
It all comes down to how society raised women to believe they can’t be happy without a man–emotionally, spiritually. But men are the first to vanish, or even if they don’t, it’s like they’re not really there.
My feelings toward my mom have changed so many times:
Confused, angry, understanding, calm, accepting.
I still don’t know if that book was right.
But I’ve always loved her
I just don’t want to become her?
I refuse to give up all my possibilities, my whole life, for a mediocre man and a mediocre marriage.
Then I heard my dad in the background, trying to keep the peace like always:
“Don’t be upset. Our daughter’s probably just acting on impulse. You know how smart she is…”
My dad &
He’s so average, but at home, he’s treated like a king.
Someone cooks for him, does his laundry, gives him children–he even gets an accomplished daughter who carries his last name.
All he has to do is act tired from work.#
Me? I’d have to fight my way through thousands of people just to get the same kind of respect at home.
I said, “Dean cheated
My mom went dead silent.
Then my dad said, “Maybe it’s just a misunderstanding Dean isn’t like that…”
I added, “It wasn’t just once
He tried again, “But divorcing him is a bit extreme.
My mom cut him off.
“Do you want me to come stay with you?
A gentle breeze drifted in, carrying the first hints of spring &
I smiled and said, “It’s okay, Mom. I can handle it. You know me–I’ve always been smart”
109
I tried reaching out to Dean.
